In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
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He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?