My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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