sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
