Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
