someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
