A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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