just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
