Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
