just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
a search helicopter?!
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
