I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
