so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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