Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
