I think I died a long time ago.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
