So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
