i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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