grandma shit on top of the toilet
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
