You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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