he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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