Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
