fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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