Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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