I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
