Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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