I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
