well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
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Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
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Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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