Soap is not a condiment
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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