thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
