Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
