A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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