I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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