You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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