i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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