did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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