and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
