peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
