I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
