You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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