i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
