He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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