dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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