this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
