I think I won the penis lottery.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
