i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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