got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
