Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
