i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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