im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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