My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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