It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
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high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
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What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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