So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
