we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
is it fun? or sober?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
