Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
