I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
